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So Many Classes, How Do I Choose?

Thursday, August 11th, 2011

In 1976 when my first child was born, I enrolled in a Mommy and Me program.  This was a revolutionary idea at that time.  The program I joined had only been in existence in our area since 1965.  The program was at the local college, San Fernando Valley State College, now known as California State University, Northridge, run by the Home Economics Department.

Today, the words Mommy and Me are common in every parent’s vocabulary.  There are so many types of Mommy and Me classes and of course Daddies are now included.  If you like to exercise, you can take a stroller, yoga or exercise class with baby.

Mommy and Me Yoga Class

You and baby can go to an exercise class for baby, a gymnastics type class, movement class, dance class, and gym type class.  There are all types of music classes for parent and baby and cognitive type classes too, where baby learns sign language, to read, or speak a foreign language.  There is a new type of class also, a Developmental class, taught by a Child Development Specialist, focusing on both achieving developmental milestones of the child and parenting skills for the parent.

Classes are held everywhere.  They are held in community centers, non-profit agencies, religious organizations, government agencies, and private agencies.  The fees range from free to low cost to sliding scale to expensive.   In some places you need to be a member and/or pay a membership fee; for some, you will need to qualify; some will have waiting lists, while others are easy to register for.  Some classes will accept children with special needs and others will not.

Here are some things to do before deciding on a Mommy and Me Program:

1.  Before enrolling in a class decide what you want to accomplish by joining a Mommy and Me class.  For example:

a)    Make new friends yourself

Developmental Parent and Me Class

b)   Learn to play with my baby so she can develop new skills,

c)     Learn parenting skills

Every parent will have his or her own list.  I talked to the Mom of an 8-week-old last week and she was looking for a class where she could take her baby and regain her pre-pregnancy body.

2.  Research the class

a)    Talk to the teacher/owner if possible

b)   When and at what time is/are the classes?

c)    What is the cost?

d)   View the site

e)    Talk to other parents (if possible)

f)     View the curriculum  (there should be a curriculum)

g)    Ask about a home curriculum for baby

h)   Any other questions you may have

Then take all your research and see which classes meet your needs the best.  Grab your baby, and it’s off to class!

Faith Golden M.A. is a Child Development Specialist with over 17 years experience.  She has worked with over 2400 families with children ages’ birth to 5.  She specializes in prevention and early intervention through in-home teaching, Developmental Parent and Me classes, Happiest Baby on the Block workshops and workshops for parents of children with special needs.

 

For a free consultation please call 818 222-2606 or email faith@itsaparentparenting.com Please look at the website for Toilet Training Tips and other information www.itsaparentparenting.com


 

 

 

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Faith Golden, the Blogger

Thursday, July 14th, 2011

 

 

Thank you for finding my blog and taking your precious time to read my posts.  I  write posts that I hope will be educational and helpful to you.

I want to give you some background in case you are reading my blog only and not my website.  I have two teaching credentials and a Master’s degree in Early Childhood Special Education.  I have worked in the field for 20 years, 5 with adults with disabilities, 5 with infants and their parents and 10 years as a Preschool Special Education teacher for Los Angeles Unified School District.

Before teaching Special Education, I taught Lamaze Natural Childbirth classes for 14 years.   I have a lot of  experience working with parents on parenting and behavior skills.  Several years ago I founded It’s Aparent, Parenting and Behavior Specialists in Calabasas, CA where I teach in-home parenting, Developmental Parent and Me classes, parenting classes and classes for parents of Special Needs children.

Enough about me.  Many of you have asked if you can use my blog posts in your newsletters, blogs, etc.  To use my posts,  you will need my explicit permission.  I ask that you send me an email with which blog you want to use, what you want to use it for, where you want to use it, how long you want to use it for, the name of the publication (if a newsletter) and what is your target audience.  Please send me an email to faith@itsaparentparenting.com with the information requested  or call me at 818 222-2606 and we can discuss it.  I usually return emails and phone calls within 24 hours.

If you have questions, have a suggestion for a blog, or want to contact me, please feel free to use the contact information above.

Thank you so much for reading my blog and sharing it with others.

Take care,

Faith

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The Use and Misuse of Car Seats

Tuesday, June 21st, 2011

We all know the purpose of a child safety seat.  The seat is to secure children in a moving car so that in the event of an accident, they won’t be hurt.  Child safety seats are engineered to protect young children at specific ages while they ride in the car.  Manufacturers make two kinds of child safety seats:  infant safety seats and convertible safety seats.  Infant safety seats are for infants up to 20 lbs.  Convertible safety seats are for children from birth to age 4 when they will need a booster seat.

 

When an infant safety seat is properly installed in a car, it is leveled in order to keep the infant safe.  Removing the infant safety seat from the car and putting it in a crib, swing, on the ground, etc., is using the safety seat in a way for which it was neither intended nor engineered.  There have been isolated incidents in Canada where the straps of the infant safety seats have accidentally strangled infants who had been left unattended in their infant safety seats outside of the vehicle.  Two of the deaths occurred when the infant safety seat was used as a crib and another when the seat was modified for use as a swing.  When an infant seat is placed on a surface other than the car it was intended for where it is properly installed, the center of gravity shifts, raising the seat and the infant, and making it top heavy and unstable.  The movement of the baby can result in the infant car seat tipping over and/or the harness system can exert sufficient pressure on the infant’s neck to cause asphyxiation.

 

A recent study attributed many cases of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) to the prolonged sitting or lying position of infants in an infant safety seat. When researchers reviewed more than 500 infant deaths, it was found that 17 of these deaths occurred while the infant was in a device such as a child safety seat. The most common age of SIDS in a child safety device was under one month, with 6 of 17 deaths occurring in this age group.

 

An Ontario, Canada coroner warned that infants should not be left to nap in their cribs while in their child safety seats after the death of a two-month-old boy was linked to positional asphyxiation. The coroner said that it is common for a baby’s head to “slump forward while in a car seat and it diminishes oxygen.” It is recommended for drivers to make frequent stops during trips to prevent an infant from sitting in a slumped forward position for any length of time.

 

Some infant safety seat manufacturers make strollers to fit their safety seats.  These strollers are engineered to hold the seat with the correct center of gravity to protect the baby while in the stroller.  They should also protect the baby from positional asphyxiation, but only if the baby is placed properly in the seat and the straps are adjusted properly.  As the baby grows, the seat needs to be adjusted and the belts need to be tightened properly every time the baby is put into the seat.  As always with any type of safety device, it is imperative for parents to constantly monitor their child.

 

 

The current recommendation to eliminate SIDS is for all infants to sleep on their backs.  The “Back to Sleep” campaign has been very effective in getting the word out, and the majority of all infants now sleep on their backs.  It is equally important that babies spend a part of every day on their tummies from birth.  Tummy Time is critical in helping the baby build muscle strength and achieving developmental milestones.  Babies should ideally spend at least one supervised waking hour per day on their tummies.  Tummy Time does not need to be on the floor.  Another option is to position the baby on blankets on a table to make it more comfortable for the parent to entertain the baby in the first few months of life.
When babies spend all their time on their backs, they can develop positional plagiocephaly and/or torticollis.  Plagiocephaly is a flattened head, most commonly associated with spending the majority of time sleeping on the back and sitting in a supine position. In almost all infants with plagiocephaly, there is some amount of active neck movement that leads to a preference to turn the head to one side and not to the other. The medical term for this is torticollis.

The cause and effect relationship between torticollis and plagiocephaly goes both ways. Many infants are born with torticollis — perhaps related to fetal positioning in the uterus during late pregnancy — and subsequently develop plagiocephaly after birth.  Infants with severe flattening on one side must expend much more energy than normal to turn their heads to the other side, so they do not do so, and their necks become stiff from disuse. In many infants with torticollis, their head will be turned to one side (usually to the right, for unknown reasons) while their chin is tilted toward the other.  Beginning tummy time at birth can prevent plagiocephaly and torticollis.

 

A child safety seat will keep your child safe in the car, so please use it and follow the manufacturer’s installation guide carefully for the best protection in case of an accident.  You can also have the seat installed by a professional.  Check the safety straps every time you put your child in the car to make sure that they are tight and in the proper position.  Change to a combination safety seat when your child outgrows the infant safety seat and, again, follow all instructions carefully.  Do not use the infant safety seat as a crib, swing, high chair or any other use for which it’s not intended. Make sure that your child gets plenty of tummy time to assure critical muscle strength development, developmental milestone development , a strong neck and a rounded head.

 

 

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How Many Visitors are to Many Visitors?

Thursday, May 12th, 2011

How Many Visitors are too Many Visitors?

Nicole and Steve were so excited when Mia was born that they couldn’t wait to show her off to the world.  They would have introduced the entire family to Mia right after birth but Nicole had a cesarean and the hospital had a policy of a one hour bonding period with the parents only then grandparents and aunts and uncles could visit the new baby; two at a time for 5 minutes at a time before the new family was left alone again.  The bonding period is a relatively new practice at some hospitals and is based on studies of the various states of consciousness that newborns go through.

One of the newborns first responses following birth is to move into a quiet but alert state.  In this state, the baby is still; her body molds with her parents, her hands touch their skin, her eyes open wide and are bright and shiny.  In this state, she is able to communicate with her parents for an average of 40 minutes, which may prepare the way for her future attachment to her parents, and her parent’s attachment to her.  In the quiet-alert state, infants look directly into their parent’s eyes and are able to respond to voices.  When newborns stay in contact with their mother in the first few hours of life, they remain in the quiet alert state longer and cry hardly at all.

Nicole was in the hospital for 2 days, and Steve stayed with her most of the time helping with Mia.  On the third day when she was to be discharged, she was running a slight fever and asked to stay another day.  One of the reasons that she wanted to stay the extra day was because she was barely able to rest during her hospital stay because she had so many visitors.  Both Nicole and Steve had large extended families and a lot of friends whom they encouraged to, “stop by any time.”  So people did and they stayed until Nicole and Steve were exhausted.

On the morning of the 4th day, Steve asked his father to help him to collect all of Nicole’s things and Mia from the hospital and the new family went home.  That afternoon the procession of visitors began.  The visitors came, and came and came, each group staying as long as they liked, being fed by the new parents until on the 4th day, the new parents were bleary eyed and absolutely exhausted, unable to take care of their newborn or themselves.  Fortunately for them, the grandparents stepped in, spent the night and took care of Mia while Nicole and Steve slept for an entire 10 hours.

In today’s society we, especially women think we can do it all.  But we can’t.  The truth about the first few weeks after having a baby is that you are recovering from having a baby and for some of you having surgery.  You are tired or exhausted from being awakened every 2-3 hours all night long, and if you are breastfeeding from the extra caloric demand on your body.    Any way you slice it, it takes at least 6 weeks to recover from having a baby, and 10 months for your body to get back to it’s pre-pregnancy state.

You need to take care of yourself and the baby during the first few weeks postpartum.  This is a time to learn about each other during the quiet-alert times,

bond and attach. Here are some tips to make sure you and the baby are taken care of once at home:

* Allow others to help you.  You need rest and to take care of the baby and yourself. Most women hate to be dependent on others but after childbirth and surgery you deserve and need it.  If your husband can take time off work to help, that’s great.

* Use your common sense about how much you can do. If your bleeding is bright red or your bleeding increases, you are over-doing it.

* Plan on doing nothing but taking care of yourself and the baby for two weeks. Relatives and friends can help as long as they don’t make you nervous or cause you more work

*  Limit visitors to immediate family and friends only. Wear a bathrobe so they won’t stay long.  It’s not your job to entertain them

While you are still in the hospital, if you have older children, they should be the first to see the new baby after the hour of bonding with you.  Play with or greet your older children before you introduce the new baby.  Give the older siblings a gift from the baby.  A good gift for both sexes is a doll.  Your older child can care for and nurture their doll while you care for the new baby.  If your child is younger than 6, they are in the critical time for learning empathy and nurturing, making a doll a great gift for this age group.   If you’re in the hospital more than a day, the children should visit for a short time each day.  Young children have no understanding of time and so, can feel abandoned.  Even though they may cry when they leave the hospital, it is better that they deal with the momentary heartbreak than that they feel abandoned.   Once you are home, your older children will want to hold and explore the new baby and get to know her with an adult standing by, of course.   When an older child is involved with their newborn sibling from the start, the homecoming of the baby is often less anxious.  When siblings spend time with the newborn in the quiet-alert state, they become attached and they fall in love with each other.

Today, 3 months later, Nicole, Steve and Mia are an adorable family.  Nicole is back to work during the day.  Steve works at night and watches Mia during the day.  They are no longer exhausted, but they do recommend to pregnant couples that they meet that they learn from their mistakes and follow the tips as outlined above.  They are sorry that they refused help at home from family, and that they had so many visitors in the first week.  For the next baby, they have said that they will spread out the visitors, have them do a chore if they choose to visit and the only visitors they allow will be immediate family.  Steve summed it up when he said, “We thought we knew what was best, but we sure didn’t.  For the next baby, we will take care of ourselves better, the visitors can wait.”

 

 

 

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Is she testing her world or you?

Thursday, September 30th, 2010

I was reading through Facebook the other day and came across the following: my one-year old daughter is throwing her food at mealtime.  Of course I have her clean it up, then I put her in her high chair, and give her food again, which she throws again.  It’s exasperating.

As I read through this I was picturing the child, floor and everything around the high chair covered in spaghetti and sauce.  It was quite a picture, one I remember well.    It is quite normal for a child to test gravity by throwing toys from their high chair. Dropping something while someone else picks it up can be part of a social game between parent and child too.  Yet, what do we do about a child who is throwing their food at every meal?

We are smarter than a one-year-old.  At least I hope we are.  So, we know that the child is going to throw the food off her high chair from past experience.   We have a choice to make.  If we leave the child alone with the food, it will land on the floor.  However if we get a suction cup bowl that sticks to the high chair tray and sit with the child so that we can stop the child from throwing the food on the floor when she goes for it, then we are being pro-active and no food or less should end up on the floor.  I would also tell the child if she goes to throw food on the floor that if she throws it, that there will be no more food, then follow through with what you said if she throws it.  Be consistent at other meal times if she throws food.  It won’t take her long to learn that you mean what you say.

Don’t give her snacks between meals if you take her food away, but give her water to avoid dehydration.  No, she won’t starve, it won’t take more than a meal or two, maybe three at this age to learn the lesson.  My own two children are alive and well.

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Making Sense of Instructions

Sunday, August 1st, 2010

As a patient, I ask a lot of questions.  I may take up more than my allotted 3 minutes with the doctor, but I need to understand why a medication is being prescribed for me, what the test results mean for me (not the fictitious normal person), and the reasoning behind what the doctor is suggesting that I do.  It is very important for parents to do the same thing.  Otherwise they end up doing things that they partially understand or following a doctor’s instructions blindly.

Let me give you an easy example.  Let’s say I am a new parent leaving the hospital with a 9-pound infant.  This is my first baby, so I don’t know how much or how often to feed her, so I ask the doctor.  The doctor tells me to feed her 3 ounces of formula every 4 hours.  If I didn’t ask any more questions, I would take my baby home and feed her 3 ounces of formula every 4 hours.  I would try to make sure that she took the entire 3 ounces, just like the doctor said.  I would wait 4 hours between feedings and make sure to set my alarm clock at night so she got fed on time.

If I had asked the doctor why I needed to feed the baby exactly 3 ounces every 4 hours, the doctor would have told me that feeding a baby is not an exact science, the same as feeding children and adults.  Some days we are hungrier than others, so some feedings the baby will take 2 ounces and some feedings the baby will take 5 ounces.  Some feedings the baby will space 2 hours apart and some feedings the baby will space 5 hours apart. So basically, follow the baby’s lead when it comes to feeding.  She will let you know when she wants to be fed and how much.

For new and not so new parents, when you are told by a doctor to do something, stop and think about the instruction for a minute.  Make sure you understand why you are doing what you are doing and the actual instructions.  Then and only then will it make sense to you!  It you can explain it to someone else, then you know you understood the directions.

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When is a Grandmother not a Grandmother?

Tuesday, May 18th, 2010

As you may or may not know, I will become a first time grandmother in July.  Actually I will be a step-grandmother.  This is an interesting predicament to be in.  I am very excited to be a grandmother yet; I’m not really a grandmother.  My stepson and his wife are sweet enough to include me as a grandmother but I know in my heart that I’m not a true grandmother or am I?  I’m concerned about stepping on the toes of the “real” grandmothers.  I don’t want to cause any problems for the new parents who will already have their hands full with the baby.  So I have been pondering my place as a step-grandmother.

So what is a grandmother?  Grandmother is a noun

1. The mother of one’s father or mother

2. A female ancestor

I will be neither of those to this new baby, yet I am the wife of the baby’s grandfather, so I will be a part of its life, and I hope a decent sized part.  I think a grandmother can be a lot more than the above definition.  A grandmother provides history for the child and can be a friend, confidante and so much more.  A grandparent has wisdom beyond the parents, and can help the parent raise the child when advice is asked for or needed, not to mention must-needed respite in the form of babysitting.

I like to talk to people and read articles to see what experts say and other people who have been there.  It seems that there is really no “correct” way to be a step-grandparent.  The best advice I got is to follow the lead of the parents of the baby as it grows up.  They will determine how much involvement they want from all their parents as they learn to be parents themselves.  However I was also told that grandparenthood is fairly fluid in our society.  You will often find older adults serving as “surrogate” grandparents to children in schools, who might not have grandparents, or as readers in a library.  I believe if they act like a grandparent, then that’s what they are.

I have to be honest here.  Waiting is not one of my virtues. I know first impressions can last a lifetime, so in order to have an authentic relationship with the baby, I will need to sit back and wait to see what the new parents need and want from me.  This won’t be easy, but I will do it for the future relationship with the baby, the parents and all the other grandparents.  I know it is not a competition. The more loving people in the child’s life, the better for the child!!

If you have been in this situation as a new parent, step parent or “real” grandparent, I look forward to your advice and stories.

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Early Intervention, What Doctors Should Know but Don’t!

Monday, February 1st, 2010

I recently had a parent in desperation ask me what she should do.  She had taken her daughter to the doctor several times.  She knew in her heart that her daughter who was born at 32 weeks and was not developing as her peers at 3 had some sort of a disability, probably Autism, yet her doctor told the mother to wait a little longer to let her daughter catch up.

This is not an unusual scenario.  It is played out many times daily in Pediatricians offices across the country.  Since this child was born prematurely, in many states she would have automatically received early intervention at birth.  I will explain early intervention in a minute.  As a Child Development Specialist with a Masters Degree and over 17 years experience working in Early Intervention and Preschool with children with Special needs and their families. I gave her the following advice;  First, parents know their children better than anyone else.  If you suspect something is wrong, there usually is.  Second, your child needs to be assessed.  Find out who in your state’s State Interagency Coordinating Council (SICC).  In California our SICC is the Regional Center.  Call your local Elementary school and ask them if they know who your state’s SICC is.  If they don’t know, have them refer you to the District’s Special Education Department, they will know.

Once you have found the SICC, you will want to tell them what you have seen, and then ask for an assessment of your child.  The earlier you get this done, the better.  The assessment by the SICC will be free, but you may wait up to 4 months to get it done.  You can also have an assessment done by a Developmental Pediatrician, Occupational Therapist, Child Development Specialist or Child Psychologist.  In California, the preferred assessment by our SICC is the Bayley III. You will have to pay for this.

So, what is Early Intervention you ask.  The definition from the Early Intervention Dictionary is:  “Specialized services provided to infants and toddlers who are at-risk for or are showing signs of developmental delay.  Services emphasize the continued development of basic skills through planned interaction that will minimize the effects of the baby’s condition.  Several types of qualified professionals may plan and implement early intervention services, provided in conformity with an individualized family service plan.  These professionals include case managers, infant educators (who use developmental play activities to promote the infant’s acquisition of basic skills), physical or occupational therapists, speech and language therapists, audiologists, social workers, or individuals who rare trained to help infants and young children with acquiring new skills and behaviors, or to provide other services such as family training, screening, assessment, or health care.  Early intervention services are provided under public supervision and at no cost (except where federal or state law provides for a system of payment by families.”

Early intervention was established in 1986 as part IDEA (Individuals with Disabilities Education Act) and established the Part C (Early Intervention) program.  It was reauthorized in 2004 when President Bush signed legislation reauthorizing IDEA. The current IDEA 2004 Statute (P.L. 108-446) for Part C .

Part of Idea is Child Find.  In the scenario above, the doctor should have referred mother and baby at birth to the state’s SICC because the baby was premature and at risk for a disability.  If the state’s law’s didn’t include at risk children, at the very least, he should have been watching for signs that the baby wasn’t keeping up developmentally.  The problem here is that Pediatrician’s are not educated in what developmental milestones are for children.  They know what correct height and weight is, but now how many words a child should have at 9 months or when they should turn over or reach for things.  That is a Child Development Specialists role.  So many, many children fall through the cracks until they enter Kindergarten.  Fortunately the CDC, Center for Disease Control has stepped in with a program to educate Doctors and the public with their “Learn Signs, Act Early” Campaign.   .  On their website, you can view or download the various materials for the “Learn the Signs. Act Early.” Campaign designed for parents and health care professionals to learn some developmental milestones, and to ask questions should a delay appear.

If your child qualifies for your state’s SICC services, you will be assigned to a Service Coordinator.  Your Service Coordinator will meet with you and write up an IFSP, Individual Family Service Plan.  The IFSP contains information about the services necessary to facilitate a child’s development and enhance the family’s capacity to facilitate the child’s development. Through the IFSP process, family members and service providers work as a team to plan, implement, and evaluate services specific to the family’s concerns, priorities, and available resources. This plan is about the entire family and what they need in order to help the infant/toddler to reach their potential.  You may need respite care (skilled care giving service which allows the parents time away from the house) along with Occupational Therapy and other early intervention for your child.

While you are taking this journey into early intervention, you, the parent will have a lot of feelings to deal with including, denial, grief and being overwhelmed.  Please look into support groups in your area where you can talk to other parents who have been through what you are going through, and came out the other side still standing and with an in-tact family.  There are also many online groups for every disability.  Please build a support group for yourself.  We all need one whether we have a child with a disability or not.

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Early Warning signs for Autism and Developmental Disabilities

Sunday, December 13th, 2009

Last weekend I went to a great conference sponsored by Zero to Three.  One of the most important sessions that I went to among others was about a new program out of the Center for Disease Control.  Now we tend to think of illness when we think about the CDC, but this is a prevention program for young children.

The name of the program is Learn the Signs, Act Early.  The purpose of the program is to teach Pediatricians and parents about child development so that they don’t miss early warning signs that children may not be developing correctly or on time.  This is important because the prevalence of Autism Spectrum Disorders has risen from 1 in 2,000 in 1990 to 1 in 100 today.   Why this is happening, the researchers don’t know yet.  But what we do know is that the sooner a child has intervention, the sooner he will be able to reach his full potential.

In two reports done by Autism and Developmental Disabilities Monitoring (ADDM) Network and the Centers for Autism and Developmental Disabilities Research and Epidemiology (CADDRE) the majority of children identified with an Autism Spectrum Disorder had documented concerns by a parent or professional before the age of three.  These concerns were about the child’s language, social, or play development, but the median age of diagnosis was 4 ½ to 5 ½ years.

As a Child Development Specialist, I have been concerned for years that parents and Physicians have been missing early warning signs and have missed the benefits that early action could have provided these young children.  This program will increase the dialogue on the topic of developmental milestones and increase early action on childhood developmental disorders.

It’s Aparent will be dissemination Learn the Signs, Act Early in the San Fernando Valley, Calabasas and Agoura  We will be Sharing information with Pediatricians, preschools and day care sites.  We will also share the information with parents at local community sites such as Churches, Synagogues, Community Groups and other places where parents get together.  Please let us know if you would like us to distribute information to your doctor or preschool or if you would like us to speak to your group. It’s Aparent is happy to be able to share this vital information with the community.

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Learn The Signs, Act EarlyVisit the “Learn the Signs. Act Early.” website for information about childhood developmental milestones and delays. You’ll be able to track the developmental milestones your child should be reaching and download fact sheets on developmental milestones for children from 3 months to 5 years.

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Children Learn Gratitude From Watching

Saturday, November 28th, 2009

My mother always said that little pictures had big ears.  She was right that children hear everything that we say whether we want them to or not. What she didn’t know was that children also notice everything that we do whether good or bad.

Your child will notice when you drive too fast just as your child will notice when you help an elderly person at the market with an item they can’t reach .  Your child sees you giving bringing canned goods for a food drive to feed the less fortunate.  She sees you bringing food to your neighbor who just had surgery and can’t cook for her family too.  Your offers to take your parents to the doctor or to take care of a neighbor’s cat while your neighbor is on vacation do not go un-noticed by your child either.

A child of 3 years can start with small acts of kindness for others such as helping you to get the mail for a neighbor or feeding her cat.  Your 4 year old can help you bake cookies or brownies for a friend who has just lost a family member.  The seven year old can help serve food at a homeless shelter with you and your family.  All children can go through their closet yearly to give the things that they don’t wear or use to others who can use them more.

When you and your child do these things together or with the rest of the family, you are teaching your child to be grateful for what they have, to be empathetic and to be charitable toward others. These things can’t be taught by talking or from a book, but only by example, and by doing them together. In this way, you teach your child the value of being charitable, empathetic towards others and gratitude for what they have that others may not.  These lessons will last a lifetime because they were taught not only by watching, but by doing with you.  Some of the best memories are made this way.

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A Must Read Story

Monday, July 13th, 2009

I just heard a story that I want to share with you.  A young family was on their way home from a morning shopping trip when they were in a serious car accident.  Horribly, one child was thrown from the car and later died in the hospital.  Sadly, this kind of thing happens all the time.  What sets this story apart from others like it is that the father was driving drunk.  He was driving drunk in the morning after shopping with his wife and four children.

So, I ask myself the following questions:   What part did the mother play in the accident?   Did she know that the father was drunk then knowingly risk her life and her children’s lives by getting into the car?

I found out a couple of days after hearing the story that this was the second time that this family was in a car accident under the same circumstances.  The father is being held in jail for involuntary manslaughter and the mother is being held for child endangerment.  With both parents in jail, this leaves three little girls in the foster care system, at one of the most vulnerable times of their lives, after the death of their brother.  I can’t tell you how badly I feel for those children right now.

We all make hundreds of decisions every day.  If we are parents, we not only make decisions for ourselves, but we make decisions for our children.  Most of the time, our decisions don’t seem to have any effect on our children, so we don’t think of our kids very often when we make decisions for ourselves.  This mother’s decision to put her children in the car with their father cost one of her children his life, and will affect the other children’s lives for the rest of theirs.

Please do what is best for your children regardless of what you think other people think.   You hold your child’s life in your hands.  And don’t forget that when you have children, you must have a Will and a Guardian for your children.  It is an absolute MUST.

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Growth and Change

Sunday, May 17th, 2009

Growth and Change
May 17, 2009
I just read a blog from a friend of mine, Dawn.  In her blog, she talks about her three year old son’s first rebellion regarding taking a nap.  Her son says, “No nap, I’m MAD.”  Dawn replied to him, “You’re mad because you have to take a nap?” He says, “No nap, I’m MAD.”  This is his first attempt to exert his limited authority.
Dawn understood that this was a powerful step for him to admit that he was mad and that he didn’t need her to do anything about it, to understand it or to try to solve the problem for him.  He just needed to be mad for a while.
As parents, we need to know which problems we own and should get involved with and which we don’t.  Dawn doesn’t own her son’s problem in this case.  Her son needs to experience this emotion and what it feels like.  She should not step in to tell him not to be mad etc.  Even at three years old, this is his issue to deal with, feel and experience.  Watch what happens.  Dawn allows her son to be “mad.”  (She actually gets out the video camera and tapes his first mad incident for posterity while he works this out for himself).  Dawn tells her son, “I see you are mad and that is OK, but it is still nap time,” Meanwhile she is collecting his naptime collection of two blankies and a pacifier.  While Dawn is doing this her son is saying, “No nap, I’m MAD.”  When they arrive at the bed, she says, “Tell mommy nite nite,” which he does and gives her a hug and kiss on his own and goes to sleep.
Our children need to learn from their experiences, good or bad.  If we wrap them in bubble wrap so that they never get hurt or never experience a negative feeling, they will never grow as human beings.  If a person never feels unhappy, how do they know when they are happy? Therefore we should be there to support our children while they learn these lessons in life.  In the above example Dawn says to her son, “I see you are mad and that is OK, but it is still nap time.”   Dawn tells her son what they are going to do, and then proceeds to do it, letting her son know that even if he isn’t in control right now, he can feel comforted knowing that she is.  This gives her son the sense of structure that all children crave while they are learning about their world.
Dawn is a seasoned mother of three who believes that:   “Emotions are healthy.  Unlike hiding a toy, jewelry or cash, emotions are not something you should be embarrassed about experiencing.  You need to be able to explain to them what they’re feeling and help your children work through them if they need help.”
If you have difficulty with negative emotions such as anger and fear, you own that problem, your child does not.  You will want to work out those emotions on your own or with a professional so your child doesn’t end up with the same difficulty you have.  Remember that children from what you do not what you say.
As your child grows, you will face many stages and changes in your life and theirs.  Be prepared for the changes with a sense of humor, and a basic structure from which you make parenting decision.   Be ready to face sudden rebellions and emotional upheavals with a tool box full of parenting tools and a calm rational mind.
To read more of Dawn’s blogs which are very insightful visit http://www.toibocks.com/wp/

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How Kids Learn Respect

Tuesday, May 5th, 2009

Tomorrow, my son, my youngest child, will close escrow on his first house.  He asked for my help all along this very scary and important road.  I have never filled out escrow or loan documents on my own before, but he trusted me to help him, so I did.  I read the papers and guided him as did his real estate agent.

Trust between a parent and a child starts with respect.  Respect must be earned and it starts when the child is an infant.  My son learned to respect me because I fed him when he was hungry, changed him when he was wet, and understood the cues he gave me that told me he was tired and needed to be put down or needed to be held.

Parenting is a very scary job.  I never knew if I was doing a good job or if my kids were going to turn out OK.  I had to do what I thought was best and hope that I knew what I was doing was right.  I was lucky because I had my parents beside me to help me and guide me through my childrearing years.  When I was tired and needed a break, they were always there to help.  They taught me that I would love my children with all of my heart for the rest of my life and that parenting is a job that will last a lifetime.  Parenting lasted a lifetime for my father.  My sisters and I relied on him for help and guidance until he died last October.  We all learned to respect him when we were infants, just like my children learned to respect me, and hopefully their children will learn to respect them.

Your comments are always welcome.

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