Ask Faith

Toddler Reacts To New Baby

Sunday, May 24th, 2009

Hello, Faith:
I recently had my second child, and my formerly well-behaved 2-year-old has been acting out. She sometimes regresses (asks us to feed her her sippy cup, tries to sleep in the baby’s crib), but more often generally stirs up mischief. She hits and kicks us mostly, and refuses to do things that were normally part of our routine. I’ve looked into the typical responses: Spend alone time with her, have her help with the baby, try to make her feel important, address her needs before the baby’s… all of which I feel that we are doing. And when we discipline her for hitting with a time out or by telling her that the behavior is inappropriate, it doesn’t seem to have any effect. I don’t understand what we are doing wrong! Looking for suggestions on what to do.

Many thanks,

-Distressed

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Dear Distressed,
Thanks so much for contacting me.  You are doing all the right things, except I don’t necessarily think your older child’s needs should come before the infant’s needs (it will depend on the situation), but I’m sure you know that.

Your daughter is having difficulty adjusting to the current transition taking place in your home.  Some children have no trouble with transitions and others take a longer time to adjust.  Your daughter is taking out her frustration on you, and showing you that she is unhappy with the attention that you are giving to the baby by trying to get your attention.  You have a couple of choices to stop this behavior.  Basically the time honored method that I employ is to give attention to the behavior you want to promote and ignore the behavior that you want to extinguish.  Some behaviors should not be tolerated at all and must be stopped which are those that cause bodily harm or are destructive.  In my book, hitting causes bodily harm, and needs to be stopped.  So hitting behavior should be met with a firm “No” followed with removal from the room.  All children and people are social beings and want to be where the action is.  Another way to do this is to make a huge fuss over the person who was hurt while ignoring the hitter.  Therefore you are ignoring the behavior that you want to extinguish.  I also like to give children choices such as, “If you choose to get mad and hit when I am feeding your sister you will need to leave the room, if you play quietly, you can stay, you choose.”  A 2 year old is capable of making this decision.  If she starts to hit you say, “I see you decided to hit, so you can’t be in the room with us and escort her from the room.  The key here is consistency.  Follow through every time and she will know that her world is stable and consistent. It won’t take very many times before she understands.

By the way, this is the basis for all parenting.  If you learn it now, you will be on your way to being a Great Parent.
Take care,
Faith

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Baby Bites

Tuesday, March 24th, 2009

Hi Faith


My daughter is 13 months old.  At 10 months she started biting when she got angry.  I’ve tried all kinds of things, but haven’t been able to get her to stop… I mean different things get her to stop in the moment, but every couple of days to weeks she’ll bite again when she gets mad.   Much of the advice I’ve been able to find says – sit the child down & explain to them that biting hurts, or “they must be teething” – but this is definitely out of anger & I don’t think she can understand a verbal explanation…


Thanks so much for your advice!!!

Donna

Dear Donna,
This is a frustrating issue for all parents in this situation.  No one likes to be bitten, it hurts.  If your child is biting other children, this is a really big issue.  There are two methods that work well in this situation when you have tried everything and nothing else works.  Also since you say she bites out of anger, I think the following methods used together will work.  They are not meant to hurt your daughter, only to teach her cause and effect, so she will realize that biting hurts.
(more…)

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Playing With Toys

Tuesday, March 24th, 2009

Hi  Faith,


Our 1 1/2 year old  son has a room full of toys.  All of them are age appropriate.  We  play with him all the time with different toys and we introduce him to new  things every week. Whenever we stop playing with him (like when we are  cooking dinner) he insists on climbing up on the counter.  We take him off  and he repeats it again and again.  It’s not a fun game.  We’ve given  him a cabinet full of plastic kitchen toys.  But he only wants to do what  we are doing.  He doesn’t like playing with toys if we aren’t doing it with  him.  It makes it tough to get necessary chores done.  Any thoughts?


Thanks,

Jessica

Hi Jessica,
I understand your frustration.  First of all, always think of safety first.  Kitchen counters whether or not cooking is going on, are not safe places for children to play.  Actually kitchens, with hot liquids and things being dropped are not safe places for kids, period. Since taking your son off the counter seems to have turned into a game for him, you will need to find something else to do that works.

I believe in giving children choices, even young children.  I would give your son the choice to play outside of the kitchen where he can see you, or play in his room.  So first, you give him the choice.  “Do you want to play here where you can see me, you can’t be in the kitchen, and if you try to come into the kitchen, I will take you to your room.  You decide where you want to play?”  If he steps into the kitchen, you say, “I see you have decided to play in your room.”  Then pick him up and put him in his room.  If he comes out, remind him that he is not to come into the kitchen.  He will keep trying to see if you mean what you say for the first day, so chose a day to start doing this with him when you don’t have a lot to do in the kitchen.  Make sure that you don’t talk to your son about why he should stay out of the kitchen or when you take him to his room.  When you take him to his room don’t show any frustration or anger. He must not see that you feel anything but relaxed.

Keep in mind that if you are consistent, meaning you always do this every time, it will work.  If you only do it sometimes, you will confuse your son, and he will never know what you want him to do.

Take care,

Faith

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