As you may or may not know, I will become a first time grandmother in July. Actually I will be a step-grandmother. This is an interesting predicament to be in. I am very excited to be a grandmother yet; I’m not really a grandmother. My stepson and his wife are sweet enough to include me as a grandmother but I know in my heart that I’m not a true grandmother or am I? I’m concerned about stepping on the toes of the “real” grandmothers. I don’t want to cause any problems for the new parents who will already have their hands full with the baby. So I have been pondering my place as a step-grandmother.
So what is a grandmother? Grandmother is a noun
1. The mother of one’s father or mother
2. A female ancestor
I will be neither of those to this new baby, yet I am the wife of the baby’s grandfather, so I will be a part of its life, and I hope a decent sized part. I think a grandmother can be a lot more than the above definition. A grandmother provides history for the child and can be a friend, confidante and so much more. A grandparent has wisdom beyond the parents, and can help the parent raise the child when advice is asked for or needed, not to mention must-needed respite in the form of babysitting.
I like to talk to people and read articles to see what experts say and other people who have been there. It seems that there is really no “correct” way to be a step-grandparent. The best advice I got is to follow the lead of the parents of the baby as it grows up. They will determine how much involvement they want from all their parents as they learn to be parents themselves. However I was also told that grandparenthood is fairly fluid in our society. You will often find older adults serving as “surrogate” grandparents to children in schools, who might not have grandparents, or as readers in a library. I believe if they act like a grandparent, then that’s what they are.
I have to be honest here. Waiting is not one of my virtues. I know first impressions can last a lifetime, so in order to have an authentic relationship with the baby, I will need to sit back and wait to see what the new parents need and want from me. This won’t be easy, but I will do it for the future relationship with the baby, the parents and all the other grandparents. I know it is not a competition. The more loving people in the child’s life, the better for the child!!
If you have been in this situation as a new parent, step parent or “real” grandparent, I look forward to your advice and stories.
Tags: baby. new parent, competition, first impression, grandmother, grandparenting, involvement, problems
Research shows that the younger the child when you come into the picture, the better chance a stepgrandparent has of building a healthy relationship. So since it sounds like your grandbaby isn’t born yet, and you’ll be there from the beginning, I think you have an excellent chance of being an important part of his or her life.
Being a stepgrandparent isn’t really significantly different from being a regular grandparent. We have to hang back and take our cues from the parents as well. And as for giving advice, most of the time grandparents should keep their advice to themselves unless advice is specifically requested.
Enjoy your adventure!
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(We’ve met @ ONEgeneration)…I have just stumbled on your website and the “Grandmother” post caught my attention. My first reaction: There is so such thing as too many people loving a child…and that is what a grandmother, step or otherwise should do! My second reaction: My beloved Grandfather, who happened to be a “step”. My mother was very much into family relationships and we grew up calling him “Abe”…my mother’s way of ensuring we would not confuse him with a real grandpa. Ahh, but he was the most real and the most wonderful of grandfathers, and calling him Abe is endearing to me. It wasn’t what we called him, but how he treated us (there were four of us) and how special he made us all feel. We had a “real” grandfather who lived far away…send presents thought the mail, etc. But through Abe, I know exactly what a grandfather is and means, unconditonal love!
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